My boredom has propelled me into an unaware dose of insanity. Am I sane or not I ask myself as I search websites that I have visited for the last few weeks, month, and year.
Just thinking I haven’t achieved anything major worth bragging about in two years or left the country in almost four is enough to have my brain running wild with ideas or stagnant with grief. I’ve only been inspired with brief moments of zeal when I find myself questioning choices, leaving the country, examining opportunities that seem limited, and trying to rewrite the path I am now on. The good thing is I’m not lost. The possibilities are endless in thought and perhaps action. I can have anything.
On the contrast,….
There’s no spark or fireworks.
Even in everyday conversation or those who consider themselves intellectual inclined. I am staring in blank spaces of reality wanting to be awaken with something dangerously delicious. The folks are not inspiring. There talk is repetitive. I find myself drifting off in conversation. Not in-tune to what they are saying or giving two damns about their interest. Even with topics that would have stimulated me months ago. The same conversation with different faces. I have no energy to entertain spirits who are not wild, free, and dreaming.
I’ll rather have a drink in the quiet solitude that I am desperately seeking. Smoke myself into a trans of innovation and sultry images.
I am meeting folks that I am not impressed with or having conversations that cause me to mellow out into aloof spaces. What kind of memories will I have of New York. Possible those that are black and white. Definitely No, ying to my yang.
Don’t ever let a man say a song reminds him of you. You find yourself downloading the song to think about him when he is missed and so forth. But when things are over between the two and he’s long gone the song just always seems to pop up on the radio, Ipod, favorite movie, Spotify, and friend’s Pandora etc. You get the drift.
I think the universe or life prepares me for moments I don’t ever think will exist through music. Last summer I heard the song “Let It Rain” by David Nail as I drove more than 3 hours through TN. Now those exact words from the chorus apply to my life one way or another.
“Let it rain, let it pour, she don’t love me anymore.
Let it come down on me. Let it come down on me.
Every word. Let it Hurt. Even more than I deserve.
Let it come down on me. Let it come down on me. Let it Rain. “
There’s something about a song that has soul in it. It moves you emotional even when you have never experienced such heartache, pain, or went through the things in the narrated and descriptive song. It pulls at something inside.
Just like Teddy Pendergrass’ Love TKO.
“Think I’d better let it go Looks like another love T.K.O.
Think I’d better let it go, let it go, baby
Looks like another love T.K.O.”
Right or wrong I learned never let a guy who hasn’t said he loves you tell you a song reminds him of you. Especially if that guy doesn’t know what “love” is.
(Wrote: May 5, 2013)
I had to return home to Baton Rouge, La. to get to New York. Washington, D.C. wasn’t enough or perhaps I didn’t make the right connections. It could be I didn’t take the right opportunities. Roanoke, Va surely wouldn’t bring me here. It was an 6-month internship, that my cousin pointed out to me in The Advocate’s Sunday paper. The 6-month internship, that I asked to be extended, turned into eight wonderful months of growing and connecting with a woman who had worked at The Advocate since her 20s. She had met her husband there and decided to keep working there after his death. Months after ending my internship with The Advocate and completing another internship with Newsday; she retired.
Today and a year later. I am still indebted to the Baton Rouge community who raised me. They have always been my biggest supporters. The email that was sent to the woman who would make the decision to hire me as a freelancer at Fox News still rings bells.
This past week, which hasn’t been the best one has fueled my dreams. It has ignited new goals. I have decided once again to let the universe shape outcomes out of my control because they’ve been weighting to heavy on my soul.
I am afraid, but I am wiser. I don’t know what’s next, but I do know what I want. I have a new found hope. I have a deep appreciation for God and how he uses people in our lives. We should respect all those who are placed in our lives. We should take in all knowledge. We should listen to them, even when what they are saying doesn’t interest us at all.
I have always thought of New York City as Disney Land. People say America is the land of opportunity. I say New York City is the land of never ending opportunity. But what I have found in the last year I’ve lived here…. is whatever I’m searching for is not here.
Not in the cold bundled up winters
Not in the lost eyes I see as I work with the kids in the foster care system
Not in the summer movies on the grass in the various parks
Not in the sultry music I hear in the subway or live bands belting out original tunes
Did God bring me this far to show me what I’ve dreamed in my heart to be this magical place of opportunity does not exist in the sense that I thought it would.
I will say walking through the city feels great. I can definitely see myself living here longer. But then again I must remember that is it not in my sway to stay in a place too long. I hate comfort and when I look out I see a world that even New York City couldn’t define in all its Burroughs.
I am in search of something realer than New York City.
So as I lay quietly in a room that I have painted country white with a touch of kissed-apricot. An antique headboard I scored off of craigslist and less than $500 in my savings account. Looking over plans I have made. Joining a fall softball team. Purchasing shoes to run a few 5K’s. Fall Spanish classes and a group of associates, friends, and others I have planned to enjoy more time with. I wonder what is it exactly God is trying to tell me about my dream and purpose.
“There’s a new me coming out
And I just had to live
And I wanna give
I’m completely positive
I think this time around
I am gonna do it
Like you never knew it
Ooh, I’ll make it through”
This is not actually a quote. But it is the first verse from Diana Ross’s famous song: “I’m coming out.”
She’s one of the best and she should be celebrated during #BlackMusicMonth! Today was my Birthday and I was on a high all day. When I hear this song it feels like I’m walking on clouds. Like no one can touch me and I’m on a new level. That’s how I felt today coming off a relaxing day in Ocean City, NJ yesterday. I’m feel like I’m Coming Out, and I want the world to know. I’m going to let it show. Aaaaahhhhhhhh……… Yes, Diana Ross for all that you have given us musically!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Day 9 It’s My Birthday! #JuneWritingChallenge
I’m late with this one, but this time I’m getting a S/O to Natelege for putting together another #WritingChallenge. This time it’s all about B, which is something I cannot stay away from. I breathe it. I love it. The challenge is dedicated to #BlackMusicMonth. So in honor of my first post. I think my challenges this month will be searching within some of my favorites artist for some of my favorite songs. Here goes nothing. Follow @N.W. on twitter: https://twitter.com/natelege_ or check out her blog: http://thesceneserene.tumblr.com/post/86763235188/june-writing-challenge-prompt-is-here-blackmusicmonth.
I’ve search high and low to find this song. When I first heard it my sophomore year in college I couldn’t stop playing. It summed up the freedom I felt from rocking my blonde afro. The freedom I felt when I accomplished my running time for the day. The freedom I felt as a woman. This song has been a great workout song. A great song to go on a Saturday or Sunday troll too. A few weeks ago I found it.
Dionne Farris – “Human” It’s from her Wild Seed album.
One of my favorite songs:
Before I am black
Before I am woman
Before I am short
Before I am young
Before I am african
I am Human!
This song reminds me to be nice to everyone. Reminds me to smile. When I listen to this song I am thankful to be alive. I am thankful to be Black. Thankful that I was born a woman. It makes me appreciate myself. It reminds me that I am valuable. I could go on. But again you could always listen to “Human“, if you haven’t heard it.
It has been a minute since I have wrote here. I am now 24. My year of persistence, persistence, all the gold will me mines soon. Lol. I wish I could go back to that moment in my life when I had just turned 20 and wrote that. The emotions, feelings, and clarity I felt at that very moment. That’s why I believe life is about moments and memories. Feelings constantly change and too often we don’t even remember them.
Four years later. I have grown so much and I don’t even look the same. Physically. (picture below….)
I told myself I would never have “locs.” I have them. I told myself I would have a job in media. I’m still interning. Just goes to show you. You never really know yourself or what life is all about. We just have to live it.
Today on this very Friday that I’m off. I got my first New York confirmation. Here in the bronx I got a temporary library card. But who says it has to be temporary. I now have power in my words. It can be whatever I want it to be. On this official day of summer. I know in my heart that life can be whatever I make it even when I don’t have enough stability.
I have to say I can’t wait for Fall, but I’m not rushing summer 2013. So, I guess I can wait.
Also, I’m considering starting a new blog about my summer adventures. I wonder if I have enough time. Hey there’s always enough time for the things we really want.
Here’s my summer bucket list:
1) Atlantic City (Summer 2014: Stopped by on way back to NYC)
2) Beach (Summer 2014: Ocean City, NJ – Shady Beach, CT – Jones Beach, NY)
3) Six Flags (Hey I love roller coasters)
4) Attend free Concert somewhere (Summer 2014: Wasn’t free, but I saw Maggie Koerner @ Brooklyn Bowl)
5) Meet some “hot” guy who is mentally stimulating and fun (too many who I couldn’t hold their attention for long or they couldn’t hold mines)
6) Come september full-time job (in media, have to be specific when asking/praying) (Offered FT job teaching walked away for freelance job in media)
7) See some good friends in D.C.
8)S%89 just live life (We only live this one once!)
Hey Does This Make Me a True New Yorker??????
April 27, 2013
My week started off with a fatigue run, which I believe I didn’t give my all too. But before that brief speeding through my neighborhood going a little above the 25 speed limit before noticing a police car. He/she proceeded to slow down and I turned into someone’s drive way. Afraid of a ticket something I know I can’t afford at the moment.
Next in my mind I talked to God. Saying if I can just save enough money for my summer adventure and manage to secure a job there in my dream city everything would be okay. I told him I was willing to sacrifice, but I’ll really like to keep the jeep. My father brought it for me. I know I shouldn’t be so attached to something, but I really appreciate it and I’m so grateful for it. Afterwards I told myself watch something bad is going to happen with this car.
I went to work where in my down time I added up how much more money I needed to save in the next 5 weeks.
Later that night I walked outside my home to find my window broken. Someone had stolen my work bag with my “good” lip gloss. My book where I write all my goals. And the diary I had bought to share my deeper and more personal thoughts. All those things I could get back, but it was another added cost to my summer savings for the window to be fixed.
I got an email the same day to contribute a piece to the public radio station I had been interning at. My internship had ended the week before. But I could still cover the story. A rally for Louisiana food banks. I said yes!
Three nights later after a 1 hour workout in the gym. My car wouldn’t start. It turns out I need a new battery. A $135 battery.
Friday an old friend. I could say an old love. But since nothing really came about it although it felt so real at the age of 16 and 17. We can now, both adults call one another friends. We talked like we hadn’t skipped a beat. I was so comfortable and happy. When my mother died I confided in the young male version of him. He was my sanity away from the things I couldn’t control at that time. God had put him in my life for a reason when I think I needed someone that wasn’t family the most. He did not take advantage of me nor did he try to manipulate me at such a naive and fragile state in my life. I believe some where between I let others influence how I saw him. But that’s nor here or there.
I remembered all the good times. And I realized what we shared at that time was real. What would make a man want to check up on someone he hasn’t physically seen in almost six years. I can see perhaps wondering and finding them one time. But to reach out to me when I first went to college. In between college as I transitioned from little Louisiana girl to city girl. Later graduation and now adulthood.
Yesterday I had a long talk with my great aunt. She’s 73. She always tends to drop knowledge. I listen more now than before. I heard her. It was truth. She was holding up a mirror. Later that night I went out with one of my best female friends. She wanted to relieve some stress. The same friend I had drinks with earlier that week. Laughed and talked too. There again I think God did something.
I needed to know my worth again. I needed to know what mattered. A good college friend told me sometimes God sends messages/ or talks to us through other people.
Two men I had written out of my life weeks ago. Appeared again just like clock work. There. Now here they are. But the man that feels me with joy. The one I want to share every bit of my life with now hasn’t spoken to me since Wednesday (and that was through text message).
All this happen this week alone. For some reason now I notice the little things. It’s like I don’t have a blinder on. And today I have an overwhelming feeling to cry because of what God has given me so far. Even though everything isn’t right. I am grateful. I am eagered to serve and do what is best for me. I’m overjoyed in ways I didn’t know I could be. When I have the least motivation and the most inconsistency in my life. God has shined.
When I saw my car. Window shattered. I couldn’t even get angry. For I had told God that I wanted a career. I wanted to live my purpose, but I didn’t want to sacrifice my car. My battery almost shot. I got nervous. Almost panicked. I just had to trust that this summer thing is for me. I can make it happen. God will make a way. If it is meant for me than it will be.
My aunt always says she is proud of me. But this time she looked me right in the eyes and I looked her in the eyes. She told me not to lose my wit. She told me I was smart. But not for graduating college. I think she was saying something in another way.
However, she also revealed one of my dirty truths. Something that has pushed people out of my life or pushed people away. It isn’t that sometimes I don’t want to be bothered or perhaps I may go a long period of time without speaking to someone. It isn’t that I get mad and hold grudges. For all these things can be fixed. It’s something else that I believe I need God to work on. It’s my deep dark secret. I’ll afraid of loving and being loved. She told me that I’m not lovable. She said your mother wasn’t like that. She was right. She’s right. I bottle all my love up inside. It’s trapped in alittle black box. Some people say I’m like a mystery. I’m not a mystery. Getting me to love you or show you love is a trick in itself. Even I’m trying to figure it out at 24. What made me cold towards love? What is stopping me from sharing my love? Is it that the right person hasn’t come along? Is it fear? Who or what broke me? My love button!
Where does Love come from? Do I suppress my feelings? Where have I hidden “it” inside? When will I find “it”? How can I locate “it”? Can I borrow somenone’s GPS?
The most annoying celebrities are the ones that get all the media attention. I don’t care what goes on in their life, what designer they are wearing, or who they are sleeping with. The most annoying celebrities are the ones out there making ignorant music that sends an idea to the world that all generation (?), all women, all black people, and all etc. are like the people they depict in their songs, movies, and etc. (art)
The most annoying celebrity are the celebrities that know they are annoying. The most annoying celebrities are the ones that try to stand out and are OD. But at the end of the day they wouldn’t be a celebrity if there wasn’t something annoying, awkward about them that made people want to watch, stare, and listen.
We’re all celebrities at some point in our lives. Someone looks up to us for fashion, advice, music, style, and in awe. And at the end of the day someone finds us just as annoying as we find those we see on magazine covers, reality TV shows, E TV, websites, bossip, perez hilton, and all the other entertainment television.
Occupation: Author, President of Non-Profit, English Teacher, Giving Wife, Loving Mother
Things: Home in Louisiana/Connecticut/New York, Jeep Wrangler, Debt Free, Garden, Flower Bed, Horse
Activities: Book Clubs, Painting, Photography, Hiking, Canoeing, Traveler, Avid Reader, Seeking Knowledge, Cooking
Accomplishments: First Book Published, First Child Born, Working toward Humanitarian Award, 2-stepper, Can play one instrument, Spiritual Fulfilled, Good Health, Cyclist Participant, Office/Title on desk, Fluent in 2 languages, Lived in another country
Feelings: Smiles, Tears of Joy, Laughter, Appreciative, Grateful, Loved, (feeling like there’s still more life to live) adventurous, Fearless
Relationships: Long term friendships nurtured, Strong relationship with father, Good relationship with niece, brother, nephew, Friendships of depth and interest