April 27, 2013
My week started off with a fatigue run, which I believe I didn’t give my all too. But before that brief speeding through my neighborhood going a little above the 25 speed limit before noticing a police car. He/she proceeded to slow down and I turned into someone’s drive way. Afraid of a ticket something I know I can’t afford at the moment.
Next in my mind I talked to God. Saying if I can just save enough money for my summer adventure and manage to secure a job there in my dream city everything would be okay. I told him I was willing to sacrifice, but I’ll really like to keep the jeep. My father brought it for me. I know I shouldn’t be so attached to something, but I really appreciate it and I’m so grateful for it. Afterwards I told myself watch something bad is going to happen with this car.
I went to work where in my down time I added up how much more money I needed to save in the next 5 weeks.
Later that night I walked outside my home to find my window broken. Someone had stolen my work bag with my “good” lip gloss. My book where I write all my goals. And the diary I had bought to share my deeper and more personal thoughts. All those things I could get back, but it was another added cost to my summer savings for the window to be fixed.
I got an email the same day to contribute a piece to the public radio station I had been interning at. My internship had ended the week before. But I could still cover the story. A rally for Louisiana food banks. I said yes!
Three nights later after a 1 hour workout in the gym. My car wouldn’t start. It turns out I need a new battery. A $135 battery.
Friday an old friend. I could say an old love. But since nothing really came about it although it felt so real at the age of 16 and 17. We can now, both adults call one another friends. We talked like we hadn’t skipped a beat. I was so comfortable and happy. When my mother died I confided in the young male version of him. He was my sanity away from the things I couldn’t control at that time. God had put him in my life for a reason when I think I needed someone that wasn’t family the most. He did not take advantage of me nor did he try to manipulate me at such a naive and fragile state in my life. I believe some where between I let others influence how I saw him. But that’s nor here or there.
I remembered all the good times. And I realized what we shared at that time was real. What would make a man want to check up on someone he hasn’t physically seen in almost six years. I can see perhaps wondering and finding them one time. But to reach out to me when I first went to college. In between college as I transitioned from little Louisiana girl to city girl. Later graduation and now adulthood.
Yesterday I had a long talk with my great aunt. She’s 73. She always tends to drop knowledge. I listen more now than before. I heard her. It was truth. She was holding up a mirror. Later that night I went out with one of my best female friends. She wanted to relieve some stress. The same friend I had drinks with earlier that week. Laughed and talked too. There again I think God did something.
I needed to know my worth again. I needed to know what mattered. A good college friend told me sometimes God sends messages/ or talks to us through other people.
Two men I had written out of my life weeks ago. Appeared again just like clock work. There. Now here they are. But the man that feels me with joy. The one I want to share every bit of my life with now hasn’t spoken to me since Wednesday (and that was through text message).
All this happen this week alone. For some reason now I notice the little things. It’s like I don’t have a blinder on. And today I have an overwhelming feeling to cry because of what God has given me so far. Even though everything isn’t right. I am grateful. I am eagered to serve and do what is best for me. I’m overjoyed in ways I didn’t know I could be. When I have the least motivation and the most inconsistency in my life. God has shined.
When I saw my car. Window shattered. I couldn’t even get angry. For I had told God that I wanted a career. I wanted to live my purpose, but I didn’t want to sacrifice my car. My battery almost shot. I got nervous. Almost panicked. I just had to trust that this summer thing is for me. I can make it happen. God will make a way. If it is meant for me than it will be.
My aunt always says she is proud of me. But this time she looked me right in the eyes and I looked her in the eyes. She told me not to lose my wit. She told me I was smart. But not for graduating college. I think she was saying something in another way.
However, she also revealed one of my dirty truths. Something that has pushed people out of my life or pushed people away. It isn’t that sometimes I don’t want to be bothered or perhaps I may go a long period of time without speaking to someone. It isn’t that I get mad and hold grudges. For all these things can be fixed. It’s something else that I believe I need God to work on. It’s my deep dark secret. I’ll afraid of loving and being loved. She told me that I’m not lovable. She said your mother wasn’t like that. She was right. She’s right. I bottle all my love up inside. It’s trapped in alittle black box. Some people say I’m like a mystery. I’m not a mystery. Getting me to love you or show you love is a trick in itself. Even I’m trying to figure it out at 24. What made me cold towards love? What is stopping me from sharing my love? Is it that the right person hasn’t come along? Is it fear? Who or what broke me? My love button!
Where does Love come from? Do I suppress my feelings? Where have I hidden “it” inside? When will I find “it”? How can I locate “it”? Can I borrow somenone’s GPS?
The most annoying celebrities are the ones that get all the media attention. I don’t care what goes on in their life, what designer they are wearing, or who they are sleeping with. The most annoying celebrities are the ones out there making ignorant music that sends an idea to the world that all generation (?), all women, all black people, and all etc. are like the people they depict in their songs, movies, and etc. (art)
The most annoying celebrity are the celebrities that know they are annoying. The most annoying celebrities are the ones that try to stand out and are OD. But at the end of the day they wouldn’t be a celebrity if there wasn’t something annoying, awkward about them that made people want to watch, stare, and listen.
We’re all celebrities at some point in our lives. Someone looks up to us for fashion, advice, music, style, and in awe. And at the end of the day someone finds us just as annoying as we find those we see on magazine covers, reality TV shows, E TV, websites, bossip, perez hilton, and all the other entertainment television.
Occupation: Author, President of Non-Profit, English Teacher, Giving Wife, Loving Mother
Things: Home in Louisiana/Connecticut/New York, Jeep Wrangler, Debt Free, Garden, Flower Bed, Horse
Activities: Book Clubs, Painting, Photography, Hiking, Canoeing, Traveler, Avid Reader, Seeking Knowledge, Cooking
Accomplishments: First Book Published, First Child Born, Working toward Humanitarian Award, 2-stepper, Can play one instrument, Spiritual Fulfilled, Good Health, Cyclist Participant, Office/Title on desk, Fluent in 2 languages, Lived in another country
Feelings: Smiles, Tears of Joy, Laughter, Appreciative, Grateful, Loved, (feeling like there’s still more life to live) adventurous, Fearless
Relationships: Long term friendships nurtured, Strong relationship with father, Good relationship with niece, brother, nephew, Friendships of depth and interest
I would pay my student loans.
I would donate half to a charity.
I would use money to buy my father a new truck.
I would put money aside for a house and horse.
I would start a nonprofit.
I would give teens scholarships to college, trade school, study abroad, and etc.
I would start trust-funds for my future kids.
I would help family with whatever was financial bearing.
I would ask God for guidance.
I would start a business.
I would help friends with any financial situations.
I would give some money to my niece.
I would travel.
Then I’ll write a book about winning a billion dollars.
And how long it took me to spend it.
Women would be equal to men.
Children would get to live innocent to 18.
Evil would be seen in red fire.
Love would be always.
Marriage would be perfect.
Animals would truly be every man’s bestfriend.
Honesty would be spoken daily.
The fire detector will go off when someone is lying.
Parents would never leave.
Death would not exist.
Old age would be like heaven.
All religions would lead to paradise.
Nudity would be acceptable.
Cars would be things of the past.
Countries would be minutes away.
Premarital sex wouldn’t make me feel guilty.
In a perfect world I would be so giving.
Not so anxious to receive.
Not so fearful to give in.
Not so quick to judge or dismiss.
I would live without a care for war, crime, sorrow or heartbreak.
First you need to understand I will not lose myself in a superficial world. I want a marriage that has a spiritual rich, honest, and genuine foundation. And if my marriage is made up of these things than I want the company we keep…. At least some people in our circle and family to be made up of the same substance.
When I say I want to get married. It has nothing to do with feeling like Cinderella. Let’s remember that was a fairy tale. I believe in the union of marriage because of my love for God. When I say I want to get married. It is not about the rings so much as it is about a honeymoon. Or a white picket fence, or kids running around the house, or kissy faces, or not being alone. I can manage being alone.
For me marriage is something created by a higher power. Joining two people together spiritually. It is something pure to me about two people coming together before God & family saying I vow. Marriage is a connection/bond shared with God. That’s how I view it. A spiritual bond between two.
One that I will have to share with any man I choose to marry. Because if you lose your way with God, you will surely have lost your marriage.
Just because two are married doesn’t mean they are happy all the time. At least that’s what I have learned from the elders in my family. But if I have to go through the storm than God has to be our anchor. And in this world we live in sometimes love is not enough.
I have no outlandish request. I use to have a list of qualities I wanted in a man. I think it’s still around in one of these old notebooks. Now I only have a list for myself. If I can honor that list than I know I can attract a man with some of those same qualities.
One day we’ll meet. I am no longer obsessing over how you will look or what your occupation will be. I am more interested in the adventures we will have. The house and place we will make home. The garden we will pull weeds from. The times spent in the kitchen. The smiles shared over dinner. The prayers we say to Our father who art in Heaven, Allah O’ Mighty, or Jesus Christ. The knees bending and hand holding.
The face caress. The arguments that help us both to see where we are wrong, right, or may need to work a little harder to be better people (friends, lovers, wife and husband). I am interested in the journey we will take as one and I am praying to death do us part.
I can see laughter filling a house. Books read at night. My head resting on your shoulder. My head resting on your chest. My palm draping your chest. My fingers caressing your neck.
I can no longer visualize your face because I’m looking for a man with a heart, values, morals, and a relationship with God. I am no longer concerned with your height because to me you are a King. I am no longer concerned with your skin color. I am no longer concerned with your background or flaws. I am accepting of all because I too have my lies, secrets, and ugly ways. I have never been and will never be perfect. I can no longer expect you to be.
I am working on loving myself so that I do not settle for a love that is not worthy of mines. I am working on growing up so that when you see me I am a woman. I am working on my finances so that we can buy together and I can be independent. I am working on myself so I can give all of my best qualities.
I could go on. But there’s no need for that. I have to get back to me. I have to continue my journey. I have to let fate do its magic. While we are distance and still strangers. I am learning to be patient. I am learning to be open. I am learning to see, touch, and feel when my eyes are blindfolded. I am learning to lead when my heart has lost its way.
More importantly I am working on myself so that I can recognize your arrival.
Now depending on the day this could change. But in this very month in April. I fear failure and bad choices.
Those could only pull me further away from accomplishing my goals or closer to my goals.
But you never know. You have to fail to know. You have to make a choice to know if it is bad or not.
You ask me they both live in the same boat.
Fear is an emotion that I have learned changes depending on your circumstance. When you don’t have anything you are not afraid of losing anything. Just the other day I thought. When I decided to move to Washington, D.C. and attend Howard University. I wasn’t afraid because to me I had nothing.
Now when you ask me where I want to go I am uncertain. Because I no longer have journalism as an anchor. I’m not sure if that’s the right career path anymore. So if I go somewhere new what do I go. How do I use the tools and skills I have equipped myself with.
Not only that, but how do I say goodbye to family and friends when they are just getting to know the adult me. How do I say goodbye to what I think is the first time I’ve ever truly experienced adult love with a man. A intimacy that feels natural, honest, and fresh.
But again there’s that thorn in my side that is saying you’ll regret not going after your dreams. Your dreams are not here in Baton Rouge. There will come a time in your life where you will wonder. You will want to know. You will feel like something is missing.
That’s when I have to make a choice. A good one. A bad one. I’ll never know unless I say goodbye to what I thought my life was suppose to be and say hello to the possibilities of the universe.
I contradict myself all the dam time! It’s the truth and after 7 months at home the most honest people in one’s life (family) has shown me this dear characteristic I whole.
I wrote this post on March 31st after hearing the writing challenge was back on for April. I went away typing on my phone preparing to get out of my bed to go to work on Easter. I’m still wondering if I get time in a half. But that’s another post. So here we go.
I contradict my self… all the time. Like a guy friend telling me he wanted to be in a relationship. And my response: “No. That would be a distraction.” I’m on my career “thang”. cray cray girl. Now I say foolish foolish girl. The first thing that popped in my head was I don’t want to be hurt. Second I don’t think I’m ready for a relationship it would be like looking into a mirror. The third thing was a question. My career and was I willing to compromise. A friend reminded me I could have both. But what if I didn’t want both.
Recently the most important people in myself (family) have pointed out I speak before thinking. Or taking the time out to view the full circle. I am constantly contradicting myself.
The truth is I wanted to say yes to the relationship. Then as I do now. But I’m left chewing on that no along with we should date other people.
My mouth for months has been wanting to have the words do a reverse fly back and down my throat. I have wanted to bury them in my stomach.
I want him now as I have wanted him before. I said it too late. He said he gave it much though and decided a relationship wouldn’t be best. A contradictory mishap of my feelings, emotions, and thoughts. He said I didn’t know what I wanted. I said I did too. I want you. A sad tune. So now I know I contradict myself all the time. I have an issue.
I, ___________, who confess to be honest am not always with my emotions. I hide behind a mysterious box of denial to the things I really want.
I confess here. When I say I don’t want kids it’s a lie. I do, but when I’m ready and I feel I have found my purpose in life. When I have sought fulfillment to that purpose only then would I be able to fully give to a child. (That’s what I believe)
When I say I don’t know what I want to do with my life now that news journalism is not an option. I do. I just don’t know how to get there.
When I say I don’t know what to say. I do. I just don’t want to be too harsh or mean.
When I am quiet I’m often thinking about where I see myself.
When I say I want you. I mean I love you.
Contradictory is a funny thing you know. It’s one of those things you have to look within yourself to understand where is it coming from.
I contradict myself all the dam time and I’m trying to find out why.
I have just become acquainted with the famous publicist Kelly Cutrone. So amazed by some quotes from her book If you Have to Cry, Go Outside: And Other Things Your Mother Never Told You on Goodreads I spent the last four hours reading over 127 pages.
I hope to get to the end of the book. I think the last page is 198 or something like that. I plan to return to Barnes and Nobles to complete the book.
So far Cutrone the self-exlaimed “Bitch” has shown that her journey to success has not been an easy nor has the road after the success. She panicked at the thought of being a single mother, felt lonely while raising her daughter, and had a bad coke addition. She had been homeless several times and lost her car that her father worked hard to buy her one Christmas.
In her book she shows a vulnerable woman that is not ever revealed by meeting her in present. She gives humorous advice that comes from a destructive path she has been on. She managed to compose about 30 years of lessons in less than 220 words. I couldn’t put it down.
I found my love for books cushioned in a ripped chair. I turned each page wanting to know more about this woman who moved to New York at the age 23. A vulgar mouth, spiritual, and loving mother in her 50′s reminded me the need to know yourself and love yourself first.
I could go on, but I will wait until I read the last few chapters. But check out some quotes I highlighted while reading.
“You can’t fake hard work.”
“Never be to good for the things that first made you successful.”
You can’t really know what its like to be be filled, unless you’re been empty.
I seemed like we were all just chasing our tails. Waking up, going to work, fucking, fighting, loving, and saying we’re sorry over and over again. What are we doing and who am I? What’s most important to me? And who and what am I serving?
“I believe the universe constantly rearranges itself to support your idea of reality.”
“We’re constantly moving from level to level trying to collect the promised prizes without stopping to think about the order we want theses things to come in, or whether we ever really want them at all.”
“And I learned when things happen out of order in your life you can choose to take them not as blows but blessings in disguise.”
I cannot wait to read her other book, Normal Gets You Nowhere.
I kind of felt guilty reading that book in less than two days, but I’m still working on Sonia Sotomayor’s My Beloved World.
Nights when you cannot sleep. That’s how this blog came about.
A sleepless night in Louisiana. This is where my night has fallen. Days in a bed tucked underneath blankets trying to hide from myself. Seeking advice and direction. Not because I am lost, but afraid of making a mistake.
How does one get here? I have re-evaluated my situation for the past five months. I still have no clue. Perhaps I do and I would then have to admit that I have already made mistakes in the past five months. I could name them. But I have a feeling I will never forget the choices that I made leading me to awake to a 9 a.m. unpaid internship. So much debt I could be calling myself a homeowner now. Wasted dollars I could have used to travel or saved.
A dear friend of mines, a journo colleague, called it the season of preparation.
I know I have been going around in my head and on this blog for the past 5 months. So repetitive. So boring. But I do know everything I am experiencing here makes sense. The no journo job part doesn’t. But the taking time out part does. And opportunities have still been presented to me. Not on a grand scale of things, but I’m able to gather clips. And not only am I learning, but I am being refreshed on what it means to have a career in journalism.
I am getting back to why I wanted to be a journalist and not considering what becoming a journo would do for me. It’s what I have wanted to do or give to communities. If this is not the right way I will find another way.
The same friend mentioned something about time. Time not being ours to decide. We don’t give time. We don’t decide when it is perfect timing for things to be received. God grants us time.
We do not call on God for things we can control or do. We call on him for the things that are out of our control. (My friend’s words tonight)
So my sleepless night has turned into one that reminds me to have faith like before. In knowing what I know there are more things to come and more opportunities to be presented.
February is almost over and this is my first blog. For weeks I have had things to write. For weeks I have been sitting on my words. Because they have been words of encouragement and motivation to keep myself moving. I have not wanted to talk to people to keep my own sanity and prevent myself from hashing out the same ol same ol. Relationship madness but this that is not a relationship. Non deserving of titles and security (whatever that means). Career madness (passion, but no energy for more rejection.) Placement in a non-city (feeling limbo). Finance madness. (ol where did all the money go, Yo B!) The same problems as probably some in my generation with a job. These are problems that don’t go away. Eventually you find a balance. You find a better way to handle the madness. If we had all the answers right away and life were so peachy. Would there be reasons to celebrate? Would there be reasons to smile brighter on extraordinary days? Would there be reasons to stop and say how much you appreciate the moment? Without lessons, ups and downs, and uncertainty …… (who knows). The who knows part is always the catch. It’s like the secure garment or trap that somehow without anyone being aware has a small hole in it. The who knows…..It has to all be for a reason, right?