It seems I’m always talking myself up to talk myself back down. Nothing is really standing in my way when I say this may be my last year in New York. I don’t know what could really hold me back except (more money…) and even that I’m sure it would be a hard decision to make. I’m torn between what I’ve always wanted for myself and what I’ll eventually have. Perhaps I should have did study abroad in undergrad. But I know I still wouldn’t be satisfied. My thirst to travel is bigger than my thirst to remain in New York City (the city I always wanted to live in.) Also, the city I always saw myself becoming a writer in. Marriage and kids must have been far from my mind because at 14 I never envisioned that for myself and today I still don’t see it. Well in New York City. So what’s a girl to do. Age is playing a role in my decision making. I thought I’ll move abroad once my career took off, but what American guy would be okay with me living abroad. Then maybe I could meet a guy abroad and we could marry and have kids and….. And…. The and just continues. In less than four years I’ll be 30. I don’t know if I’ll be more willing to gamble on a job or the future of the unknown at 30.
Yesterday I listened to Zadie Smith’s interview with Chimamanda Adichie. Both of these lady are highly respected and happen to be non-American black women who identify as Nigerian and Britain. They sat down at Smith at NYPL’s Schomburg Center for Research in Black Culture. She mentioned something very enlightening about so many young people asking how do they find their purpose. Young people googling how to identify or what qualities match certain professions. I am too a victim of this. All my life I’ve known what I really wanted, but often wanted other to confirm it. I wanted them to say I see that in you. I have been seeking outside confirmation. Even asking God to show me. God has shown me by putting something in my heart that I am passionate about. I am passionate about preserving Black Culture, Black Culture identity wrapped in African identity. I am passionate about young women and women reaching their full blossom. I am passionate about cultures outside of the Black American culture. I am passionate about love. So passionate about love. I could go on and on. So, yesterday I also had to ask the question: Why am I running from the woman I know I have been called to be. Yes, running.
Moving on to religion. A friend of mines has mentioned several times that he believes religion divides us. My own belief is religion was created by man and we should take teachings from all the greats and prophets. We strive to be our betters selves everyday. I don’t need religion to tell me that, but often to remind me of that. To correct me. But I’m also growing to believe that I should hold myself to higher standards because I believe the spirit of God dwells in each of us. The world hasn’t beaten us down so much we have too forgotten the person we should be by holding on to things that has tried to mole us. I’m sure some other people if they really sit down and reflect will also began to see they have been running from the woman or man they should be. Chasing what we believe will get more attention or make a last final impression.
In these two women talking, I felt a longing to see two black women from the Black American culture speak on some of these issues. I asked myself where are our affluent women who can speak on this. Why are these two Black foreign women speaking on issues in American when they are our issues? As much as I love White and Adichie. I wanted more depth, which they can’t speak out and which they both admitted that they knew nothing about.
Surely, I know they know about the complexities of woman. Why I love their writing because they write about women in a realistic way. A way in which I know what I’m feeling almost like knowing what is right and wrong. You know, but somehow you still keep doing wrong. Wrong decision. Wrong word. Wrong choice. Wrong man. Wrong car. Wrong school. Wrong city. Wrong friends. Wrong job. Wrong path. Wrong happy. Wrong anger. Wrong love. You know the way you should go. You know what you should give. You know what you should say or what you shouldn’t say. It all just comes out wrong. Not devastating wrong, but for sure the outcome could have possibly been altered. Feelings could have possibly been swayed.
So there’s a struggle inside of me. A struggle of the woman I portray and the woman I keep hiding. The woman who sticks her toes out every now and again. The woman who pulls people and the woman who pushes them away. I’m trying to bury the woman I am. I realize it is so hard to bury that woman because I have conditioned myself to believe she has all my best qualities when in reality she shows my weaknesses so well.
Take a listen below:
I’ve really been concentrating on finding inner peace although I may not always make the best decisions. Often I break promises I make to myself. I wanted to start this summer off by purging myself of old things. Old ways. I wanted to escape to a foreign land where I was the outcast. I could tell you so many stories about how traveling through Guatemala has strengthened my passion to travel solo once a year (Currently planning my next trip). How challenged and often embarrassed I was speaking my horrible Spanish. But I needed the trip.
It’s not officially summer and the weather in New York City is a testament to that, but who needs June 21st to start their summer off. Especially since I’m not a NYC native. That is why I needed to take that 20 hour drive home. Oh, how I missed thee. I must say it was a bitter sweet goodbye from the familiar back to the unknown of New York City. Back to my current location The Bronx.
I’ve had my eyes set on a few things, but then like “me” my mind took over. I have added a few photos to this post and more to come with this revised summer bucket list.
I am not one to share with people in general. I would say I am more of a doer. I like to mention it once and spend the rest of the time figuring out how to make it a reality. I haven’t really thought this list out like the one from 2013. This one is much longer. I don’t know if I’ll make it to a rollercoaster or not. (Maybe Coney Island) Surely, I will be adding those off-beat things to this bucket list. I plan to post once a week, perhaps on Thursdays. We shall see!
Travel out-of-the-country – Honduras/Guatemala
Myrtle Beach, SC
Montauk Beach (Sky-diving?*)
Practice my Spanish (All Summer)
Plan next solo abroad trip (deets coming soon… Mostly likely a spanish-speaking country since I am trying to become fluent in a second language before 30. Plus, they are super cheap to visit.)
As always, just enjoy life. Be in peace (at least some type of peace.)
“If you are depressed you are living in the past.
If you are anxious you are living in the future.
If you are at peace you are living in the present.”
― Lao Tzu
The results ->>>>>>>
You are driven in life by the search for meaning and have a passion for culture and religion. You are a deeply spiritual person who thrives in an environment where people question their existence and devote themselves to a higher sense of being. You enjoy a stimulating environment and do best when you are challenged, mentally, and spiritually. You see life as an adventure and enjoy conversing with others on the big philosophical questions of life. Whether you are spending time in a bustling market, or meditating in a quiet garden, you are nourished by a society that is devoted to serving others.
Take it-> http://www.playbuzz.com/larak10/what-country-in-the-world-best-fits-your-personality
As I contemplate pursuing a career in another field. I laugh at myself. Just a year ago I had a full-time job working with kids. Now I am searching for full-time jobs to work with kids again. How life comes full circle. Is God trying to tell me something?
I honestly applied to a job that included me in the affirmative action category after answering a question about my gender and ethnicity. Great to know affirmative action may get my resume and cover letter a read over.
There’s so many grown up things I need to do. I feel so uninspired at the moment. But I’m smiling because I’m so happy. Just the other day I sat on the train remembering driving up to New York City. I could had made a decision to stay home. I could have decided to stay in Washington, D.C.
Instead I hopped in my Jeep and took a chance on a 10-week internship. Along the way I have thought of every career that I would possibly be good at. I haven’t committed myself to journalism because I’m afraid to plan.
It seems every time I plan something, Life tells me NO! This is not how things are going to go. I laugh because in all I am so happy. Even on my down and low days I am still happy. Now only if I could use that light for inspiration. I’m drained.
A lady told me months ago once she hit 25, it was like she looked up and she was 30. She said she doesn’t remember anything between 25 to 30. I think about that when planning my next move. I am seeking progession and stability, but on the other hand I am seeking adventure, freedom, and a life changing experience that I know is not here in the United States.
My travel bug is on a mission to satisfy a thirst. I’m just getting started with NYC, but if someone offered me something outside of the U.S. I wouldn’t think twice about moving. Student Loans, Friends, #1 Media Market, and all. I’ll be out this ‘bish.’
So what is it going to be as I struggle to write about an impactful experience. As I struggle to write these cover letters that I’ll rather copy and paste. Where does my passion lie? Is it dead? Perhaps waiting on a fiery experience… This is my mind’s daily reality. I’m day dreaming about village and cultural values that contrast with my own. I want to be 20 hours away and 6,000 miles living….
My boredom has propelled me into an unaware dose of insanity. Am I sane or not I ask myself as I search websites that I have visited for the last few weeks, month, and year.
Just thinking I haven’t achieved anything major worth bragging about in two years or left the country in almost four is enough to have my brain running wild with ideas or stagnant with grief. I’ve only been inspired with brief moments of zeal when I find myself questioning choices, leaving the country, examining opportunities that seem limited, and trying to rewrite the path I am now on. The good thing is I’m not lost. The possibilities are endless in thought and perhaps action. I can have anything.
On the contrast,….
There’s no spark or fireworks.
Even in everyday conversation or those who consider themselves intellectual inclined. I am staring in blank spaces of reality wanting to be awaken with something dangerously delicious. The folks are not inspiring. There talk is repetitive. I find myself drifting off in conversation. Not in-tune to what they are saying or giving two damns about their interest. Even with topics that would have stimulated me months ago. The same conversation with different faces. I have no energy to entertain spirits who are not wild, free, and dreaming.
I’ll rather have a drink in the quiet solitude that I am desperately seeking. Smoke myself into a trans of innovation and sultry images.
I am meeting folks that I am not impressed with or having conversations that cause me to mellow out into aloof spaces. What kind of memories will I have of New York. Possible those that are black and white. Definitely No, ying to my yang.
Don’t ever let a man say a song reminds him of you. You find yourself downloading the song to think about him when he is missed and so forth. But when things are over between the two and he’s long gone the song just always seems to pop up on the radio, Ipod, favorite movie, Spotify, and friend’s Pandora etc. You get the drift.
I think the universe or life prepares me for moments I don’t ever think will exist through music. Last summer I heard the song “Let It Rain” by David Nail as I drove more than 3 hours through TN. Now those exact words from the chorus apply to my life one way or another.
“Let it rain, let it pour, she don’t love me anymore.
Let it come down on me. Let it come down on me.
Every word. Let it Hurt. Even more than I deserve.
Let it come down on me. Let it come down on me. Let it Rain. “
There’s something about a song that has soul in it. It moves you emotional even when you have never experienced such heartache, pain, or went through the things in the narrated and descriptive song. It pulls at something inside.
Just like Teddy Pendergrass’ Love TKO.
“Think I’d better let it go Looks like another love T.K.O.
Think I’d better let it go, let it go, baby
Looks like another love T.K.O.”
Right or wrong I learned never let a guy who hasn’t said he loves you tell you a song reminds him of you. Especially if that guy doesn’t know what “love” is.
(Wrote: May 5, 2013)
I had to return home to Baton Rouge, La. to get to New York. Washington, D.C. wasn’t enough or perhaps I didn’t make the right connections. It could be I didn’t take the right opportunities. Roanoke, Va surely wouldn’t bring me here. It was an 6-month internship, that my cousin pointed out to me in The Advocate’s Sunday paper. The 6-month internship, that I asked to be extended, turned into eight wonderful months of growing and connecting with a woman who had worked at The Advocate since her 20s. She had met her husband there and decided to keep working there after his death. Months after ending my internship with The Advocate and completing another internship with Newsday; she retired.
Today and a year later. I am still indebted to the Baton Rouge community who raised me. They have always been my biggest supporters. The email that was sent to the woman who would make the decision to hire me as a freelancer at Fox News still rings bells.
This past week, which hasn’t been the best one has fueled my dreams. It has ignited new goals. I have decided once again to let the universe shape outcomes out of my control because they’ve been weighting to heavy on my soul.
I am afraid, but I am wiser. I don’t know what’s next, but I do know what I want. I have a new found hope. I have a deep appreciation for God and how he uses people in our lives. We should respect all those who are placed in our lives. We should take in all knowledge. We should listen to them, even when what they are saying doesn’t interest us at all.
I have always thought of New York City as Disney Land. People say America is the land of opportunity. I say New York City is the land of never ending opportunity. But what I have found in the last year I’ve lived here…. is whatever I’m searching for is not here.
Not in the cold bundled up winters
Not in the lost eyes I see as I work with the kids in the foster care system
Not in the summer movies on the grass in the various parks
Not in the sultry music I hear in the subway or live bands belting out original tunes
Did God bring me this far to show me what I’ve dreamed in my heart to be this magical place of opportunity does not exist in the sense that I thought it would.
I will say walking through the city feels great. I can definitely see myself living here longer. But then again I must remember that is it not in my sway to stay in a place too long. I hate comfort and when I look out I see a world that even New York City couldn’t define in all its Burroughs.
I am in search of something realer than New York City.
So as I lay quietly in a room that I have painted country white with a touch of kissed-apricot. An antique headboard I scored off of craigslist and less than $500 in my savings account. Looking over plans I have made. Joining a fall softball team. Purchasing shoes to run a few 5K’s. Fall Spanish classes and a group of associates, friends, and others I have planned to enjoy more time with. I wonder what is it exactly God is trying to tell me about my dream and purpose.
“There’s a new me coming out
And I just had to live
And I wanna give
I’m completely positive
I think this time around
I am gonna do it
Like you never knew it
Ooh, I’ll make it through”
This is not actually a quote. But it is the first verse from Diana Ross’s famous song: “I’m coming out.”
She’s one of the best and she should be celebrated during #BlackMusicMonth! Today was my Birthday and I was on a high all day. When I hear this song it feels like I’m walking on clouds. Like no one can touch me and I’m on a new level. That’s how I felt today coming off a relaxing day in Ocean City, NJ yesterday. I’m feel like I’m Coming Out, and I want the world to know. I’m going to let it show. Aaaaahhhhhhhh……… Yes, Diana Ross for all that you have given us musically!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Day 9 It’s My Birthday! #JuneWritingChallenge
I’m late with this one, but this time I’m getting a S/O to Natelege for putting together another #WritingChallenge. This time it’s all about B, which is something I cannot stay away from. I breathe it. I love it. The challenge is dedicated to #BlackMusicMonth. So in honor of my first post. I think my challenges this month will be searching within some of my favorites artist for some of my favorite songs. Here goes nothing. Follow @N.W. on twitter: https://twitter.com/natelege_ or check out her blog: http://thesceneserene.tumblr.com/post/86763235188/june-writing-challenge-prompt-is-here-blackmusicmonth.
I’ve search high and low to find this song. When I first heard it my sophomore year in college I couldn’t stop playing. It summed up the freedom I felt from rocking my blonde afro. The freedom I felt when I accomplished my running time for the day. The freedom I felt as a woman. This song has been a great workout song. A great song to go on a Saturday or Sunday troll too. A few weeks ago I found it.
Dionne Farris – “Human” It’s from her Wild Seed album.
One of my favorite songs:
Before I am black
Before I am woman
Before I am short
Before I am young
Before I am african
I am Human!
This song reminds me to be nice to everyone. Reminds me to smile. When I listen to this song I am thankful to be alive. I am thankful to be Black. Thankful that I was born a woman. It makes me appreciate myself. It reminds me that I am valuable. I could go on. But again you could always listen to “Human“, if you haven’t heard it.