Golden Press

#Augustwritingchallenge – Day 24 – Courage

This is a characteristic that I think overshadows my doubts and fears. Courage has taken me so far in my life. From the small things like making a phone call to traveling somewhere by myself.

It truly takes courage to live life. To enjoy life. I’ve never realized how much courage I had until I was put in a certain situation or had to face certain things.

A lot of people I know don’t like what comes out of mouth. They say I’m mean or I’m throwing shots. But the truth of the matter is I’m the one out of all your friends or people in one’s life who has the courage to tell you the truth. I may be wrong sometimes.

I always try to think about what I say before I say it. Depending on the situation I may not say anything at all.

But it’s rare that I am not courageous. It’s seldom that I am silent. And I like me just how I am.

One thing I love is meeting people who show courage. People who take risk. People who make things happen. It takes courage to make things happen. It takes courage to know that you may fail or things may not work out as planned. It takes courage to not wait for someone to open the door. It takes courage to open the door first.

It takes courage to put your life on the line for stories that someone may not read, but you believe should be told. It takes courage to ask a busy woman to be your mentor. It takes courage to admit you were wrong or that you love someone. It takes courage to face reality.

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August 24, 2012 Posted by | Fun, Fun Topics | Leave a comment

#Augustwritingchallenge – Day 23 – Envy

I think this has been my worst characteristic since childhood (plus an attitude problem people say I have. My family calls it the ugly side. They say my mommie had it too. So I get it from my mommie). I have always wanted what someone else has had, but only after I wasn’t able to get it.

When my friends had boyfriends. I wanted a boyfriend. Truthfully I’m a 23-year-old who can say she has never seriously dated anyone. Kind of sad.

I tried out for the dance team. I didn’t make it. And someone I knew who tried out with me did. I wanted to be a member of the dance team too.

The girls who got Teddy Bear and Candy for V-day. I wanted someone to buy me a teddy bear and give me some candy.

Another truth. In the 11th grade I dated a guy who bought me a bear, shoes, candy, and flowers. He was too clingy so I got rid of him.  Well not really rid of him, but I did break up with him.

I asked him not to buy me flowers and finally I threw them in the trash.

*Now I wish I guy would buy me any types of flowers.

*Also I was digging on this other guy who was a BIG DOG. But I was wrapped in his scent seriously. He smelled so good.

In the 10th grade I had a guy bring me balloons and a Cabbage Patch Doll (long story behind the doll). Actually it’s not. I have always wanted a Cabbage Patch Doll because growing up my friends had one. My cousin even had one, but I never did. So I told him I wanted one.

Envy is such a strong thing. I don’t know when I’ll become comfortable enough with my own place in life to not envy what others have.

A recent friend just got engaged. She didn’t ask me to be a bride’s maid. For a moment I was catching feelings. Wondering what her new friends had that made them so special. Thinking when I finally meet them. How I will react or communicate.  It finally hit me that we had grown apart (mostly because of my bad friend ways again. Check out #augustwritingchallenge-day 3  – connection) Then I thought about it. If I had gotten engaged I wouldn’t have called her up to ask her to be a bride’s maid. So what’s all the fust about. In the end. The point is that she wants to include me in her special day even though we have grown apart. She took time out to include me on her invitation list.

I think it also bothered me that she had found the one. I am so happy for her. But sometimes I wonder when my shining knight will appear as well.

Some things are not envy. Some times our emotions are just that. The same feelings we felt when all our friends got cars in high school. I know I wanted a car. The same feeling when our freind from college gets a job right after. I wondered what did they do that landed them that job and asked for tips.

Doesn’t mean I’m not happy with where I’m at, but there are things I want too.  We/I wonder when our/my time will come. We continue the grind. We continue the hunt.  We pursue things that fit us like softball and track. We join the yearbook staff.

We step away from dating to concentrate on our own habits that may make us a better person.

Is Envy always bad?

In all, I want to get married because my parents were married. I want someone to share my life with. I want someone to come home to. I want to give my love to someone and have them love me back.  I want a career in journalism because of women I have admired. I could right about things that the media neglects. Like the good in the black community. The good in minority communties. I want to be a mother because my mother was a great mother. And now that I no longer have her I want to give someone the best of her qualities. I wanted to join a particular organization in college because of the women who had influenced me and knowing that I want to influence young women too. Everything I want in life is because someone has shown me that I can too have it. That it is possible for me. I attended college because my teachers were college educated and I too wanted to have a degree. So is envy always bad?

*I think Envy can be bad, but is it always wrong to want what someone else has? Not everything they have, but the little things. The little moments.

August 23, 2012 Posted by | Fun, Fun Topics | Leave a comment

#Augustwritingchallenge – Day 15 – Rivers

(Not Late,  Just Never Published)

Lately, I’ve been riding a slow-moving river. No rapture or anything. It’s calm, but at the same time impatient. It’s grown distance from where it started in hopes that its flowing water will reunite with its beginnings. Deep down the river knows this is not true. Soon it’ll meet up with streams, sea, lake or to the big one — Ocean. It’s fresh water will connect with new parts, minerals, sand, and be pushed out further. It’s fear is it will never make it anywhere. Be absorbed in the grown or dry up. Better known as death and no one will ever know it existed.

All rivers know they will never return home. It’s not meant in their journey nor is it meant in real life to return to the spot where it all began. How awesome it would be to go back in time. To live some of those moments again with the ones that mattered at that time. People say they have no regrets, but if there was truly a reverse button many of us would take the chance to go back. Some things we would do the same way and other things we would do different. It may not apply to your life, but it does to mines.

Often I feel I share characteristics with a river. I am too like a river. Some times salty with imposing grass growing beneath me. Protruding rocks dividing me. People splashing, floating, and swimming in me. Once I meet those new waters sometimes I lose who I was. I am changed. My surroundings are new. My water doesn’t feel the same. The people I’m use to seeing have become new faces. At the end of the road I hope to make it to the ocean. But I’ve known so many who have only made it to other rivers, lakes, and seas. Some of us never make it to the Pacific, Arctic, Indian, and Atlantic. Most of us never make it anywhere but once in awhile we wipe out communities with floods. We take out people with floods.

I am too like a river. I’m constantly removing people from my life with floods. I am too like a river flowing in one direction. I just can’t quite see the end.

August 23, 2012 Posted by | Fun, Fun Topics | Leave a comment

#Augustwritingchallenge – Day 14 – Obsession

I realized while staring out over a city tonight that I must have it all and why shouldn’t I be able to have it all if I work hard.

I want the husband, kids, dog, house, and career. I want the opportunity to travel the world. I’ll eventually settle into routine and finally be able to release my deepest thoughts into a make-believe world of fiction. I’ll have a master’s degree and aspiring journalists will read my work about foreign lands they have never touched, but may some day have the chance if the foreign bureaus can stay a float. I refuse to settle and I’m willing to put it all out there to win. I’m obsessed with having it all and balancing it all. I know there’s no such thing as superwoman. But I have an entire lifetime from what I have observed to accomplish everything on my lists. If this is the only world I get to live in where I am free to make decisions and free to succeed in a task of my choosing with the help of the all mighty of course, than there’s no reason why I shouldn’t be able to have it all. I’m obsessed with having it all. Not the materialistic things but the best moments of a girl’s life. Like falling in love, walking down the aisle. Being a mother and wife. Succeeding in a career where I am recognized for my work and perhaps awarded. I am obsessed only with this. I want to win win!

August 15, 2012 Posted by | Fun, Fun Topics | | Leave a comment

#Augustwritingchallenge – Day 11 – Loyalty

I had to sit on this word. I had to really consider what it means to be loyal. I had to consider if I had been a loyal enough friend, daughter, sister, aunt, cousin, woman, and most importantly a loyal human.

When I think about all those things. I have to think about my father (not God, but my biological father). He has been so loyal to me that when I make decisions in the future I consider him. I think about him becoming old and how one day I will need to be there more. One day I will have to sacrifice like he has sacrificed for me and my brother.

I will have to look pass the things that he has done in the past because after all he was doing the best he could with what he had. He had married my mother not knowing if the marriage would work. They had taken a chance. He had struggled as a man trying to climb a blue-collar ladder with no college degree. He is still trying to climb a blue-collar ladder where new technology has labeled him uncompetitive and too old. A frustrated man he may become. But in all he volunteers at the church. He works twice as hard as any man who I have ever considered dating. He is willing to invest more than his wallet in my happiness. As annoying as a parent can often be he has loved me unconditional.  He is a great leader. At 49 he has accomplished whether he sees it or not more than some of his siblings and the younger generation.

He owns a house. He has a stable job. He had a loving marriage that didn’t end in divorce. He had a wonderful daughter who didn’t take no for an answer and made a way out of no way.

He raised a budding young woman.

While he doesn’t have as much money as his baby brothers nor did he get a college degree. He taught me the value of a husband, father, and man. He never strayed nor did he run from his responsibilities when life proved to be too much or I proved to be too much. I’m looking forward to the day where we will talk like adults. We will laugh about misunderstandings. We will trust one another more. The day when my full dedication will be to uplift my children and give well deserved care to my father. For he is so deserving. I can’t begin to explain what it means to have him in my corner now. Supporting me when my wings have become to heavy and giving me hope when I have packed mines away. He’s the most loyal man I know in my life after 23 years.

August 13, 2012 Posted by | Fun, Fun Topics | Leave a comment

#Augustwritingchallenge- Day 13- Clarity

I watched Hunger Games for the first time last night. I watched a few movies last night. I could have spent my day hiking with a fellow intern. I could have spent my day doing something I really wanted. I could have spent my day working on a writing test that might land me a job. But I didn’t. I rolled around in the bed. I heated up some left-overs. I thought about me and movements for the next two weeks. I thought about how I will pack up my room beginning next week. I thought about how I plan to be home by Sunday night. I thought about what I will need to get my car on the road. Tranmission oil needs to be changed. Tire drum needs to be fixed. I need a specific amount of money for gas. I thought about which companies I would call concerning jobs on Monday. I have thought about calling a young muslim I met to pick up that extra Qur’an she has waiting for me. This morning I thought about how I am now 23. In 7 years I will be 30. In 7 years I should be somewhere with my life. But for now I will put my  deepest needs first.

August 13, 2012 Posted by | Fun, Fun Topics | Leave a comment

#Augustwritingchallenge – Day 12 – August

I am so excited for August. I think fall may be my new favorite season. I’m preparing for the falling leaves and cool breeze. I’m preparing for the new adventure I’m about to take in life. In August I seek truth from myself and others. I’m letting some relationships go. I know longer want to hold on to them. It’s slowing me down and I’m no longer having any fun. If it’s unhealthy I will not participate. If it does not feel right I will walk away. August has awakened me.

August reminds me that there is more to life and I should be seeking the more in life. No matter where I am in a few weeks I should make the most of it and my journey. Beating through me like a drum of vibrations. August is speaking to my soul in ways no other month has spoken to me. Not even June could consume me like August has already comforted me. For four years I have done what I had to do to accomplish a task. The task has been accomplished. Now this August I can do whatever I want. I can be wherever I want. This August I can push the limits. I can sit still and not move. I can surrender to comfort or I can throw myself back out into the world of unknown. This August 2012 I have a choice of where I could be. This August I can choose any place. I can start a new career. I can settle into position and let life take me. What will I choose?

To Move forward and not look back. To move forward with a new sense of freedom. To not be afraid to fail. To not be afraid to lose.

August 13, 2012 Posted by | Fun, Fun Topics | | Leave a comment

#Augustwritingchallenge – Day 10 – Green

I think I want to challenge myself for the next two years. I don’t know why I’m on this two-year experience all types of crazy things, but I am. I want to challenge myself to live a greener life (whatever that means). I want to eat more organic food. Try some brown eggs. Step away from red meat except my beef. I want to see if life is greener on the other side. You know that saying. I want to camp some in the next two years. I want to use less paper. I want to recycle big and small stuff. I want to drink a lot of water. I want to drink tea with no sugar. I want to hike more. I want to ride my bike more. I want to lie in the green grass. I want to swim in the big river of green things. I want to touch the green leaves and when they turn brown I want to hold them. I want to be happier and be a better greener me. I want to love hard. I want to get my heart-broken. I want to do all the things that it seems is happening on the greener side that is not happening in my life.

I want to squeeze grass between my toes. I want to get out and cut some grass so I can see into the other’s neighbor’s yard of just how better their grass is than mines. I want to roll around in the field. I want to lie in the grass and make love. I want to pull out some dark liquor and drink in the field. I want to smoke and write some great shit in that greener grass over there. I want to walk through a corn field maze. I want to stop everything I am doing to smell the greener life of things. I want to try to be faithful to a religion of my choosing. I want to learn about the finer spiritual things of a greener life.

 I want to eat more veggies. I want to eat things I said I don’t like because they look weird. I want to eat more green veggies. I want to try more things. I want to soak and train my green thumbs. I want to plant some lettuce, tomatoes, & cucumbers. I know I hate cucumbers, but maybe if they were my home-grown cucumbers from my own hard work I could learn to love them as I have done tomatoes. I want to grow some green peppers and perhaps some green tomatoes. I want to live on the other side without letting myself go. Without losing myself trying to blend into all that green over there. Because for some reason everything always looks greener on the other side.

I want to meet more people on the green side. I want them to pull me over the white picket fence. Invite me over to that world of things that I don’t know. But maybe I could get to know that side too. Maybe it could help me make my lawn greener or show me how to grow my grass higher. While I’m smoking on their green I could learn more about my green. This way I will not have to continue imitating their moves, strokes, and strategies to becoming greener. While I’m lying in their field, I could learn to lie in my own field. While loving on them I could learn to love me with the same feelings I hide of envy for how much greener they are than me. I could finally learn to appreciate my own green side. Damn. I just want to be in love with my green too.

August 10, 2012 Posted by | Fun, Fun Topics | | Leave a comment

#Augustwritingchallenge – Day 9 – Rhythm

For all the girls who have been told they have no rhythm.

Since I was little people have told me I have no rhythm. I can’t keep up with the beat or my hips are too stiff. I have practiced dancing in the mirror to test out those harsh comments. Oh Yes, those comments are harsh. Let me tell you why.

In middle school I tried out for dance. I wanted to be a dancing doll. I feared doing certain things during try outs thinking I was off beat. I watched other girls as they danced to make sure I was keeping up. I have been at parties watching other people dance to make sure I was dancing okay. I had a middle school crush tell me at a dance once I couldn’t dance. That comment kept me on a few walls at a few parties from then on.

In high school I tried out for dance again. I had the dance down packed, but I still watched other girls to make sure I was dancing right. When I was 13 and 14 I took ballet, jazz, and tap. I always feared I was off rhythm. It hindered me at recitals. I wouldn’t put my all into the dance because I felt like I wasn’t performing up to the qualities of other girls. It turned out after my last dance recital I was moving the same as the other girls, but my energy was low. I was so concentrated on how I looked moving and how I was moving I lacked confidence.

It had even taken a toll on me when it came to sex. I never wanted to be on top; thinking my rhythm would be off and the guy would be able to tell I had no rhythm. He would say how bad of a rider I was. That’s how bad it got. My fear of being called the girl with no rhythm had stopped me from enjoying myself at parties or having fun in the bedroom.

One day something changed me and gave me a boost. I was hanging out with friends at a club. I was watching one of my friends dance. I was laughing in the inside because she who proved to love being on top (oh yes, The Riding Queen!). She who was throwing her hips all around and dropping it low. Her legs and hips were all over the place. I hadn’t had a drink that night. And I felt just as confident in my rhythm than my friend who was in my opinion embarrassing the hell out of herself on the dance floor. It was horrible. I’m laughing as I’m writing this because it was just that bad.

So to all the girls who have been told they have no rhythm. I have one thing to say. Take control of your rhythm and own it. Because I can insure you that some of the same ones who tease you, comment, or make suggestions don’t know what the hell they are doing either. Everyone is dancing in a way they feel more comfortable. Everyone hears the beat different. No has the same two ears. Everyone is in their own rhythm and no two people have the same rhythm. You just learn to compliment the other with what you have.

Now when I’m in the club, I dance like no one’s there. I don’t care what the other girl is doing and I don’t pay attention to the way my friends are moving. I ride the music waves flowing out of the speaker. I am now a girl in control of my own rhythm. The one my two parents blessed me with. The one that I have altered throughout the years as new music has tested my hips. The confidence I have gained from guys who asked me to dance or friends cheering me on in the dance circle.

I learned from my friend that night that’s it is always about confidence in your hips, skills, abilities, and body. I do have rhythm! So keep your harsh comments and tips to yourself.

P.S. Get up off that wall! Dance and other activities that require movement are supposed to be fun! Plus, I haven’t received a bad complaint skills.

August 10, 2012 Posted by | Fun, Fun Topics | Leave a comment

#Augustwritingchallenge – Day 8- Renew

I began a post yesterday about feeling renewed or being renewed. All I know is, it had the word renew in it. For a while I have been feeling uneasy about my situation. Where I am now? I decided to go back home for a while. I’ve seen my family more this summer than any of my summers since graduating from high school. It’s been good. Hanging out with friends. Catching up on growing relatives.

But I have to say I’m always divided when I’m at home. It comes a point when I’m laying in my bed feeling refreshed and stronger than ever that I know I’m suppose to be somewhere else. I know all my blogs have sounded similar, but it’s true. I go home and I go through the routine. I eat some of the best cooking in the world. I hang out with my niece. I wrestle with my little cousin. I visit friends who have gotten married, are in committed relationships, working the 9 to 5, taking care of their kids, and living some familiars of the adult life. I enjoy the time, but I know home is just a stop. Home is always going to be a stop on the map.

A place I can go to be refreshed, sleep it off, and a place of comfort. A place no one can bother me except my father asking why I’m so tired. It’s going to be a place I can return.

I’ve never driven down a street to say I will put my house here and nor have I thought about where I would send my kids to school at home. The last time I was home, my dad said I need to pay more attention because it’s like I’m in my own world. Am I? Than I think to myself maybe he has never dreamed like me. Maybe he doesn’t know all the possibilities out there. The opportunities I am ready to gamble or risk everything for. Maybe he doesn’t know how important it is for me to live my life the way I want to. And I’m not talking about driving around in a Benz/BMW. I’m not talking about living in a fancy house.  I’m not talking about escaping my problems either.

Often people think because you want to find something new or seek a fresh start, you are running from problems. Every time I have taken a risk it’s because I’ve been compelled too. My inner voice has told me that I would be safe. Everything would be okay. In each of those places in my life I have never feared for my life, been in danger, or been afraid to take another chance.

Maybe I am living in two spaces. I live in my space at home where I am reminded everyday of how much farther I could go with my life. And the other is my dream space just when I think I can settle I am lifted to a higher element of what could be next. In my own head and heart I am fighting to get to a place where I can be me. The afro-centric, eclectic, risk-taker, and unapologetic believer.

I still believe in my dreams. At home I am sitting. I am still. In the world I am floating. I am refreshed. I am renewed in all hopes of one day returning home to think about those things that some of my friends deal with everyday. But for now those things are not of my reality. They are not of my existence. I’m still finding me. Every experience I have away from home lifts me to a new me. Yes, I am burned out when I return home. Yes, I sometimes want to give up. But too many times when I’m home it reveals that there is more out there for me. It says I must keep travelling. I must keep seeking. For soon my hard work and passion will lead me to another home.

August 10, 2012 Posted by | Fun, Fun Topics | Leave a comment