Golden Press

#Augustwritingchallenge – Day 8- Renew

I began a post yesterday about feeling renewed or being renewed. All I know is, it had the word renew in it. For a while I have been feeling uneasy about my situation. Where I am now? I decided to go back home for a while. I’ve seen my family more this summer than any of my summers since graduating from high school. It’s been good. Hanging out with friends. Catching up on growing relatives.

But I have to say I’m always divided when I’m at home. It comes a point when I’m laying in my bed feeling refreshed and stronger than ever that I know I’m suppose to be somewhere else. I know all my blogs have sounded similar, but it’s true. I go home and I go through the routine. I eat some of the best cooking in the world. I hang out with my niece. I wrestle with my little cousin. I visit friends who have gotten married, are in committed relationships, working the 9 to 5, taking care of their kids, and living some familiars of the adult life. I enjoy the time, but I know home is just a stop. Home is always going to be a stop on the map.

A place I can go to be refreshed, sleep it off, and a place of comfort. A place no one can bother me except my father asking why I’m so tired. It’s going to be a place I can return.

I’ve never driven down a street to say I will put my house here and nor have I thought about where I would send my kids to school at home. The last time I was home, my dad said I need to pay more attention because it’s like I’m in my own world. Am I? Than I think to myself maybe he has never dreamed like me. Maybe he doesn’t know all the possibilities out there. The opportunities I am ready to gamble or risk everything for. Maybe he doesn’t know how important it is for me to live my life the way I want to. And I’m not talking about driving around in a Benz/BMW. I’m not talking about living in a fancy house.  I’m not talking about escaping my problems either.

Often people think because you want to find something new or seek a fresh start, you are running from problems. Every time I have taken a risk it’s because I’ve been compelled too. My inner voice has told me that I would be safe. Everything would be okay. In each of those places in my life I have never feared for my life, been in danger, or been afraid to take another chance.

Maybe I am living in two spaces. I live in my space at home where I am reminded everyday of how much farther I could go with my life. And the other is my dream space just when I think I can settle I am lifted to a higher element of what could be next. In my own head and heart I am fighting to get to a place where I can be me. The afro-centric, eclectic, risk-taker, and unapologetic believer.

I still believe in my dreams. At home I am sitting. I am still. In the world I am floating. I am refreshed. I am renewed in all hopes of one day returning home to think about those things that some of my friends deal with everyday. But for now those things are not of my reality. They are not of my existence. I’m still finding me. Every experience I have away from home lifts me to a new me. Yes, I am burned out when I return home. Yes, I sometimes want to give up. But too many times when I’m home it reveals that there is more out there for me. It says I must keep travelling. I must keep seeking. For soon my hard work and passion will lead me to another home.


August 10, 2012 - Posted by | Fun, Fun Topics

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