Golden Press

#AprilWritingChallenge – Day 1 – I contradict myself

I contradict myself all the dam time! It’s the truth and after 7 months at home the most honest people in one’s life (family) has shown me this dear characteristic I whole.

I wrote this post on March 31st after hearing the writing challenge was back on for April. I went away typing on my phone preparing to get out of my bed to go to work on Easter. I’m still wondering if I get time in a half. But that’s another post. So here we go.

I contradict my self… all the time. Like a guy friend telling me he wanted to be in a relationship. And my response: “No. That would be a distraction.” I’m on my career “thang”. cray cray girl. Now I say foolish foolish girl. The first thing that popped in my head was I don’t want to be hurt. Second I don’t think I’m ready for a relationship it would be like looking into a mirror. The third thing was a question. My career and was I willing to compromise. A friend reminded me I could have both. But what if I didn’t want both.

Recently the most important people in myself (family) have pointed out I speak before thinking. Or taking the time out to view the full circle. I am constantly contradicting myself.

The truth is I wanted to say yes to the relationship. Then as I do now. But I’m left chewing on that no along with we should date other people.

My mouth for months has been wanting to have the words do a reverse fly back and down my throat. I have wanted to bury them in my stomach.

I want him now as I have wanted him before. I said it too late. He said he gave it much though and decided a relationship wouldn’t be best. A contradictory mishap of my feelings, emotions, and thoughts. He said I didn’t know what I wanted. I said I did too. I want you. A sad tune. So now I know I contradict myself all the time. I have an issue.

I, ___________, who confess to be honest am not always with my emotions. I hide behind a mysterious box of denial to the things I really want.

I confess here. When I say I don’t want kids it’s a lie. I do, but when I’m ready and I feel I have found my purpose in life. When I have sought fulfillment to that purpose only then would I be able to fully give to a child. (That’s what I believe)

When I say I don’t know what I want to do with my life now that news journalism is not an option. I do. I just don’t know how to get there.

When I say I don’t know what to say. I do. I just don’t want to be too harsh or mean.

When I am quiet I’m often thinking about where I see myself.

When I say I want you. I mean I love you.

Contradictory is a funny thing you know. It’s one of those things you have to look within yourself to understand where is it coming from.

I contradict myself all the dam time and I’m trying to find out why.


April 3, 2013 - Posted by | Uncategorized

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