Golden Press

Diary “Makes Sense”


April 27, 2013

My week started off with a fatigue run, which I believe I didn’t give my all too. But before that brief speeding through my neighborhood going a little above the 25 speed limit before noticing a police car. He/she proceeded to slow down and I turned into someone’s drive way. Afraid of a ticket something I know I can’t afford at the moment.

Next in my mind I talked to God. Saying if I can just save enough money for my summer adventure and manage to secure a job there in my dream city everything would be okay. I told him I was willing to sacrifice, but I’ll really like to keep the jeep. My father brought it for me. I know I shouldn’t be so attached to something, but I really appreciate it and I’m so grateful for it. Afterwards I told myself watch something bad is going to happen with this car.

I went to work where in my down time I added up how much more money I needed to save in the next 5 weeks.

Later that night I walked outside my home to find my window broken. Someone had stolen my work bag with my “good” lip gloss. My book where I write all my goals. And the diary I had bought to share my deeper and more personal thoughts. All those things I could get back, but it was another added cost to my summer savings for the window to be fixed.

I got an email the same day to contribute a piece to the public radio station I had been interning at. My internship had ended the week before. But I could still cover the story. A rally for Louisiana food banks. I said yes!

Three  nights later after a 1 hour workout in the gym. My car wouldn’t start. It turns out I need a new battery. A $135 battery.

Friday an old friend. I could say an old love. But since nothing really came about it although it felt so real at the age of 16 and 17. We can now, both adults call one another friends. We talked like we hadn’t skipped a beat. I was so comfortable and happy. When my mother died I confided in the young male version of him. He was my sanity away from the things I couldn’t control at that time. God had put him in my life for a reason when I think I needed someone that wasn’t family the most. He did not take advantage of me nor did he try to manipulate me at such a naive and fragile state in my life. I believe some where between I let others influence how I saw him. But that’s nor here or there.

I remembered all the good times. And I realized what we shared at that time was real. What would make a man want to check up on someone he hasn’t physically seen in almost six years. I can see perhaps wondering and finding them one time. But to reach out to me when I first went to college. In between college as I transitioned from little Louisiana girl to city girl. Later graduation and now adulthood.

Yesterday I had a long talk with my great aunt. She’s 73. She always tends to drop knowledge. I listen more now than before. I heard her. It was truth. She was holding up a mirror. Later that night I went out with one of my best female friends. She wanted to relieve some stress. The same friend I had drinks with earlier that week. Laughed and talked too. There again I think God did something.

I needed to know my worth again. I needed to know what mattered. A good college friend told me sometimes God sends messages/ or talks to us through other people.

Two men I had written out of my life weeks ago. Appeared again just like clock work. There. Now here they are. But the man that feels me with joy. The one I want to share every bit of my life with now hasn’t spoken to me since Wednesday (and that was through text message).

All this happen this week alone. For some reason now I notice the little things. It’s like I don’t have a blinder on.  And today I have an overwhelming feeling to cry because of what God has given me so far. Even though everything isn’t right. I am grateful. I am eagered to serve and do what is best for me. I’m overjoyed in ways I didn’t know I could be. When I have the least motivation and the most inconsistency in my life. God has shined.

When I saw my car. Window shattered. I couldn’t even get angry. For I had told God that I wanted a career. I wanted to live my purpose, but I didn’t want to sacrifice my car. My battery almost shot. I got nervous. Almost panicked. I just had to trust that this summer thing is for me. I can make it happen.  God will make a way. If it is meant for me than it will be.

My aunt always says she is proud of me. But this time she looked me right in the eyes and I looked her in the eyes. She told me not to lose my wit. She told me I was smart. But not for graduating college. I think she was saying something in another way.

However, she also revealed one of my dirty truths. Something that has pushed people out of my life or pushed people away. It isn’t that sometimes I don’t want to be bothered or perhaps I may go a long period of time without speaking to someone. It isn’t that I get mad and hold grudges. For all these things can be fixed. It’s something else that I believe I need God to work on. It’s my deep dark secret. I’ll afraid of loving and being loved. She told me that I’m not lovable. She said your mother wasn’t like that. She was right. She’s right. I bottle all my love up inside. It’s trapped in alittle black box. Some people say I’m like a mystery. I’m not a mystery. Getting me to love you or show you love is a trick in itself. Even I’m trying to figure it out at 24. What made me cold towards love? What is stopping me from sharing my love? Is it that the right person hasn’t come along? Is it fear? Who or what broke me? My love button!

Where does Love come from? Do I suppress my feelings? Where have I hidden “it” inside? When will I find “it”? How can I locate “it”? Can I borrow somenone’s GPS?

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April 28, 2013 - Posted by | #April, Diary Entry, Fun Topics

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