Golden Press

The Woman I Am vs The Woman I Know I Should Be

It seems I’m always talking myself up to talk myself back down. Nothing is really standing in my way when I say this may be my last year in New York. I don’t know what could really hold me back except (more money…) and even that I’m sure it would be a hard decision to make. I’m torn between what I’ve always wanted for myself and what I’ll eventually have. Perhaps I should have did study abroad in undergrad. But I know I still wouldn’t be satisfied. My thirst to travel is bigger than my thirst to remain in New York City (the city I always wanted to live in.) Also, the city I always saw myself becoming a writer in. Marriage and kids must have been far from my mind because at 14 I never envisioned that for myself and today I still don’t see it. Well in New York City. So what’s a girl to do. Age is playing a role in my decision making. I thought I’ll move abroad once my career took off, but what American guy would be okay with me living abroad. Then maybe I could meet a guy abroad and we could marry and have kids and….. And…. The and just continues. In less than four years I’ll be 30. I don’t know if I’ll be more willing to gamble on a job or the future of the unknown at 30.

Yesterday I listened to Zadie Smith’s interview with Chimamanda Adichie. Both of these lady are highly respected and happen to be non-American black women who identify as Nigerian and Britain. They sat down at Smith at NYPL’s Schomburg Center for Research in Black Culture.  She mentioned something very enlightening about so many young people asking how do they find their purpose. Young people googling how to identify or what qualities match certain professions. I am too a victim of this. All my life I’ve known what I really wanted, but often wanted other to confirm it. I wanted them to say I see that in you. I have been seeking outside confirmation. Even asking God to show me. God has shown me by putting something in my heart that I am passionate about. I am passionate about preserving Black Culture, Black Culture identity wrapped in African identity. I am passionate about young women and women reaching their full blossom. I am passionate about cultures outside of the Black American culture. I am passionate about love. So passionate about love. I could go on and on. So, yesterday I also had to ask the question: Why am I running from the woman I know I have been called to be. Yes, running.

Moving on to religion. A friend of mines has mentioned several times that he believes religion divides us. My own belief is religion was created by man and we should take teachings from all the greats and prophets. We strive to be our betters selves everyday. I don’t need religion to tell me that, but often to remind me of that. To correct me. But I’m also growing to believe that I should hold myself to higher standards because I believe the spirit of God dwells in each of us. The world hasn’t beaten us down so much we have too forgotten the person we should be by holding on to things that has tried to mole us. I’m sure some other people if they really sit down and reflect will also began to see they have been running from the woman or man they should be. Chasing what we believe will get more attention or make a last final impression.

In these two women talking, I felt a longing to see two black women from the Black American culture speak on some of these issues. I asked myself where are our affluent women who can speak on this. Why are these two Black foreign women speaking on issues in American when they are our issues? As much as I love White and Adichie. I wanted more depth, which they can’t speak out and which they both admitted that they knew nothing about.

Surely, I know they know about the complexities of woman. Why I love their writing because they write about women in a realistic way. A way in which I know what I’m feeling almost like knowing what is right and wrong. You know, but somehow you still keep doing wrong. Wrong decision. Wrong word. Wrong choice. Wrong man. Wrong car. Wrong school. Wrong city. Wrong friends. Wrong job. Wrong path. Wrong happy. Wrong anger. Wrong love. You know the way you should go. You know what you should give. You know what you should say or what you shouldn’t say. It all just comes out wrong. Not devastating wrong, but for sure the outcome could have possibly been altered. Feelings could have possibly been swayed.

So there’s a struggle inside of me. A struggle of the woman I portray and the woman I keep hiding. The woman who sticks her toes out every now and again. The woman who pulls people and the woman who pushes them away. I’m trying to bury the woman I am. I realize it is so hard to bury that woman because I have conditioned myself to believe she has all my best qualities when in reality she shows my weaknesses so well.

Take a listen below:


August 27, 2015 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment