Golden Press

Things come full circle several times in life…..

I had to return home to Baton Rouge, La. to get to New York. Washington, D.C. wasn’t enough or perhaps I didn’t make the right connections. It could be I didn’t take the right opportunities. Roanoke, Va surely wouldn’t bring me here. It was an 6-month internship, that my cousin pointed out to me in The Advocate’s Sunday paper. The 6-month internship, that I asked to be extended, turned into eight wonderful months of growing and connecting with a woman who had worked at The Advocate since her 20s. She had met her husband there and decided to keep working there after his death. Months after ending my internship with The Advocate and completing another internship with Newsday; she retired.

Today and a year later. I am still indebted to the Baton Rouge community who raised me. They have always been my biggest supporters. The email that was sent to the woman who would make the decision to hire me as a freelancer at Fox News still rings bells.

This past week, which hasn’t been the best one has fueled my dreams. It has ignited new goals. I have decided once again to let the universe shape outcomes out of my control  because they’ve been weighting to heavy on my soul.

I am afraid, but I am wiser. I don’t know what’s next, but I do know what I want. I have a new found hope. I have a deep appreciation for God and how he uses people in our lives. We should respect all those who are placed in our lives. We should take in all knowledge. We should listen to them, even when what they are saying doesn’t interest us at all.

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September 5, 2014 Posted by | Diary Entry | 1 Comment

Diary Entry June 21 “Summer Begins”

It has been a minute since I have wrote here. I am now 24. My year of persistence, persistence, all the gold will be mines soon. Lol. I wish I could go back to that moment in my life when I had just turned 20 and wrote that. The emotions, feelings, and clarity I felt at that very moment. That’s why I believe life is about moments and memories. Feelings constantly change and too often we don’t even remember them.

Four years later. I have grown so much and I don’t even look the same. Physically. (picture below….)

I told myself I would never have “locs.” I have them. I told myself I would have a job in media. I’m still interning. Just goes to show you. You never really know yourself or what life is all about. We just have to live it.

Wow! I look slimmer and different. Credit: Bronx cuzzo B.C.

Wow! I look slimmer and different. Credit: Bronx cuzzo B.C.

Today on this very Friday that I’m off. I got my first New York confirmation. Here in the bronx I got a temporary library card. But who says it has to be temporary. I now have power in my words. It can be whatever I want it to be. On this official day of summer. I know in my heart that life can be whatever I make it even when I don’t have enough stability.

I have to say I can’t wait for Fall, but I’m not rushing summer 2013. So, I guess I can wait.

Also, I’m considering starting a new blog about my summer adventures. I wonder if I have enough time. Hey there’s always enough time for the things we really want.

Here’s my summer bucket list:

1) Atlantic City (Summer 2014: Stopped by on way back to NYC)

2) Beach (Summer 2014: Ocean City, NJ – Shady Beach, CT – Jones Beach, NY)

3) Six Flags (Hey I love roller coasters)

4) Attend free Concert somewhere  (Summer 2014: Wasn’t free, but I saw Maggie Koerner @ Brooklyn Bowl)

5) Meet some “hot” guy who is mentally stimulating and fun (too many who I couldn’t hold their attention for long or they couldn’t hold mines)

6) Come september full-time job (in media, have to be specific when asking/praying) (Offered FT job teaching walked away for freelance job in media)

7) See some good friends in D.C.

8)S%89 just live life (We only live this one once!)

Hey Does This Make Me a True New Yorker??????

Photo Credit: Jarondakie Patrick

Photo Credit: Jarondakie Patrick

June 21, 2013 Posted by | Fun Topics, Summer Diary Entries | 2 Comments

Diary “Makes Sense”

April 27, 2013

My week started off with a fatigue run, which I believe I didn’t give my all too. But before that brief speeding through my neighborhood going a little above the 25 speed limit before noticing a police car. He/she proceeded to slow down and I turned into someone’s drive way. Afraid of a ticket something I know I can’t afford at the moment.

Next in my mind I talked to God. Saying if I can just save enough money for my summer adventure and manage to secure a job there in my dream city everything would be okay. I told him I was willing to sacrifice, but I’ll really like to keep the jeep. My father brought it for me. I know I shouldn’t be so attached to something, but I really appreciate it and I’m so grateful for it. Afterwards I told myself watch something bad is going to happen with this car.

I went to work where in my down time I added up how much more money I needed to save in the next 5 weeks.

Later that night I walked outside my home to find my window broken. Someone had stolen my work bag with my “good” lip gloss. My book where I write all my goals. And the diary I had bought to share my deeper and more personal thoughts. All those things I could get back, but it was another added cost to my summer savings for the window to be fixed.

I got an email the same day to contribute a piece to the public radio station I had been interning at. My internship had ended the week before. But I could still cover the story. A rally for Louisiana food banks. I said yes!

Three  nights later after a 1 hour workout in the gym. My car wouldn’t start. It turns out I need a new battery. A $135 battery.

Friday an old friend. I could say an old love. But since nothing really came about it although it felt so real at the age of 16 and 17. We can now, both adults call one another friends. We talked like we hadn’t skipped a beat. I was so comfortable and happy. When my mother died I confided in the young male version of him. He was my sanity away from the things I couldn’t control at that time. God had put him in my life for a reason when I think I needed someone that wasn’t family the most. He did not take advantage of me nor did he try to manipulate me at such a naive and fragile state in my life. I believe some where between I let others influence how I saw him. But that’s nor here or there.

I remembered all the good times. And I realized what we shared at that time was real. What would make a man want to check up on someone he hasn’t physically seen in almost six years. I can see perhaps wondering and finding them one time. But to reach out to me when I first went to college. In between college as I transitioned from little Louisiana girl to city girl. Later graduation and now adulthood.

Yesterday I had a long talk with my great aunt. She’s 73. She always tends to drop knowledge. I listen more now than before. I heard her. It was truth. She was holding up a mirror. Later that night I went out with one of my best female friends. She wanted to relieve some stress. The same friend I had drinks with earlier that week. Laughed and talked too. There again I think God did something.

I needed to know my worth again. I needed to know what mattered. A good college friend told me sometimes God sends messages/ or talks to us through other people.

Two men I had written out of my life weeks ago. Appeared again just like clock work. There. Now here they are. But the man that feels me with joy. The one I want to share every bit of my life with now hasn’t spoken to me since Wednesday (and that was through text message).

All this happen this week alone. For some reason now I notice the little things. It’s like I don’t have a blinder on.  And today I have an overwhelming feeling to cry because of what God has given me so far. Even though everything isn’t right. I am grateful. I am eagered to serve and do what is best for me. I’m overjoyed in ways I didn’t know I could be. When I have the least motivation and the most inconsistency in my life. God has shined.

When I saw my car. Window shattered. I couldn’t even get angry. For I had told God that I wanted a career. I wanted to live my purpose, but I didn’t want to sacrifice my car. My battery almost shot. I got nervous. Almost panicked. I just had to trust that this summer thing is for me. I can make it happen.  God will make a way. If it is meant for me than it will be.

My aunt always says she is proud of me. But this time she looked me right in the eyes and I looked her in the eyes. She told me not to lose my wit. She told me I was smart. But not for graduating college. I think she was saying something in another way.

However, she also revealed one of my dirty truths. Something that has pushed people out of my life or pushed people away. It isn’t that sometimes I don’t want to be bothered or perhaps I may go a long period of time without speaking to someone. It isn’t that I get mad and hold grudges. For all these things can be fixed. It’s something else that I believe I need God to work on. It’s my deep dark secret. I’ll afraid of loving and being loved. She told me that I’m not lovable. She said your mother wasn’t like that. She was right. She’s right. I bottle all my love up inside. It’s trapped in alittle black box. Some people say I’m like a mystery. I’m not a mystery. Getting me to love you or show you love is a trick in itself. Even I’m trying to figure it out at 24. What made me cold towards love? What is stopping me from sharing my love? Is it that the right person hasn’t come along? Is it fear? Who or what broke me? My love button!

Where does Love come from? Do I suppress my feelings? Where have I hidden “it” inside? When will I find “it”? How can I locate “it”? Can I borrow somenone’s GPS?

April 28, 2013 Posted by | #April, Diary Entry, Fun Topics | Leave a comment

#Augustwritingchallenge – Day 24 – Courage

This is a characteristic that I think overshadows my doubts and fears. Courage has taken me so far in my life. From the small things like making a phone call to traveling somewhere by myself.

It truly takes courage to live life. To enjoy life. I’ve never realized how much courage I had until I was put in a certain situation or had to face certain things.

A lot of people I know don’t like what comes out of mouth. They say I’m mean or I’m throwing shots. But the truth of the matter is I’m the one out of all your friends or people in one’s life who has the courage to tell you the truth. I may be wrong sometimes.

I always try to think about what I say before I say it. Depending on the situation I may not say anything at all.

But it’s rare that I am not courageous. It’s seldom that I am silent. And I like me just how I am.

One thing I love is meeting people who show courage. People who take risk. People who make things happen. It takes courage to make things happen. It takes courage to know that you may fail or things may not work out as planned. It takes courage to not wait for someone to open the door. It takes courage to open the door first.

It takes courage to put your life on the line for stories that someone may not read, but you believe should be told. It takes courage to ask a busy woman to be your mentor. It takes courage to admit you were wrong or that you love someone. It takes courage to face reality.

August 24, 2012 Posted by | Fun, Fun Topics | Leave a comment

#Augustwritingchallenge – Day 23 – Envy

I think this has been my worst characteristic since childhood (plus an attitude problem people say I have. My family calls it the ugly side. They say my mommie had it too. So I get it from my mommie). I have always wanted what someone else has had, but only after I wasn’t able to get it.

When my friends had boyfriends. I wanted a boyfriend. Truthfully I’m a 23-year-old who can say she has never seriously dated anyone. Kind of sad.

I tried out for the dance team. I didn’t make it. And someone I knew who tried out with me did. I wanted to be a member of the dance team too.

The girls who got Teddy Bear and Candy for V-day. I wanted someone to buy me a teddy bear and give me some candy.

Another truth. In the 11th grade I dated a guy who bought me a bear, shoes, candy, and flowers. He was too clingy so I got rid of him.  Well not really rid of him, but I did break up with him.

I asked him not to buy me flowers and finally I threw them in the trash.

*Now I wish I guy would buy me any types of flowers.

*Also I was digging on this other guy who was a BIG DOG. But I was wrapped in his scent seriously. He smelled so good.

In the 10th grade I had a guy bring me balloons and a Cabbage Patch Doll (long story behind the doll). Actually it’s not. I have always wanted a Cabbage Patch Doll because growing up my friends had one. My cousin even had one, but I never did. So I told him I wanted one.

Envy is such a strong thing. I don’t know when I’ll become comfortable enough with my own place in life to not envy what others have.

A recent friend just got engaged. She didn’t ask me to be a bride’s maid. For a moment I was catching feelings. Wondering what her new friends had that made them so special. Thinking when I finally meet them. How I will react or communicate.  It finally hit me that we had grown apart (mostly because of my bad friend ways again. Check out #augustwritingchallenge-day 3  – connection) Then I thought about it. If I had gotten engaged I wouldn’t have called her up to ask her to be a bride’s maid. So what’s all the fust about. In the end. The point is that she wants to include me in her special day even though we have grown apart. She took time out to include me on her invitation list.

I think it also bothered me that she had found the one. I am so happy for her. But sometimes I wonder when my shining knight will appear as well.

Some things are not envy. Some times our emotions are just that. The same feelings we felt when all our friends got cars in high school. I know I wanted a car. The same feeling when our freind from college gets a job right after. I wondered what did they do that landed them that job and asked for tips.

Doesn’t mean I’m not happy with where I’m at, but there are things I want too.  We/I wonder when our/my time will come. We continue the grind. We continue the hunt.  We pursue things that fit us like softball and track. We join the yearbook staff.

We step away from dating to concentrate on our own habits that may make us a better person.

Is Envy always bad?

In all, I want to get married because my parents were married. I want someone to share my life with. I want someone to come home to. I want to give my love to someone and have them love me back.  I want a career in journalism because of women I have admired. I could right about things that the media neglects. Like the good in the black community. The good in minority communties. I want to be a mother because my mother was a great mother. And now that I no longer have her I want to give someone the best of her qualities. I wanted to join a particular organization in college because of the women who had influenced me and knowing that I want to influence young women too. Everything I want in life is because someone has shown me that I can too have it. That it is possible for me. I attended college because my teachers were college educated and I too wanted to have a degree. So is envy always bad?

*I think Envy can be bad, but is it always wrong to want what someone else has? Not everything they have, but the little things. The little moments.

August 23, 2012 Posted by | Fun, Fun Topics | Leave a comment

#Augustwritingchallenge – Day 15 – Rivers

(Not Late,  Just Never Published)

Lately, I’ve been riding a slow-moving river. No rapture or anything. It’s calm, but at the same time impatient. It’s grown distance from where it started in hopes that its flowing water will reunite with its beginnings. Deep down the river knows this is not true. Soon it’ll meet up with streams, sea, lake or to the big one — Ocean. It’s fresh water will connect with new parts, minerals, sand, and be pushed out further. It’s fear is it will never make it anywhere. Be absorbed in the grown or dry up. Better known as death and no one will ever know it existed.

All rivers know they will never return home. It’s not meant in their journey nor is it meant in real life to return to the spot where it all began. How awesome it would be to go back in time. To live some of those moments again with the ones that mattered at that time. People say they have no regrets, but if there was truly a reverse button many of us would take the chance to go back. Some things we would do the same way and other things we would do different. It may not apply to your life, but it does to mines.

Often I feel I share characteristics with a river. I am too like a river. Some times salty with imposing grass growing beneath me. Protruding rocks dividing me. People splashing, floating, and swimming in me. Once I meet those new waters sometimes I lose who I was. I am changed. My surroundings are new. My water doesn’t feel the same. The people I’m use to seeing have become new faces. At the end of the road I hope to make it to the ocean. But I’ve known so many who have only made it to other rivers, lakes, and seas. Some of us never make it to the Pacific, Arctic, Indian, and Atlantic. Most of us never make it anywhere but once in awhile we wipe out communities with floods. We take out people with floods.

I am too like a river. I’m constantly removing people from my life with floods. I am too like a river flowing in one direction. I just can’t quite see the end.

August 23, 2012 Posted by | Fun, Fun Topics | Leave a comment

#Augustwritingchallenge – Day 14 – Obsession

I realized while staring out over a city tonight that I must have it all and why shouldn’t I be able to have it all if I work hard.

I want the husband, kids, dog, house, and career. I want the opportunity to travel the world. I’ll eventually settle into routine and finally be able to release my deepest thoughts into a make-believe world of fiction. I’ll have a master’s degree and aspiring journalists will read my work about foreign lands they have never touched, but may some day have the chance if the foreign bureaus can stay a float. I refuse to settle and I’m willing to put it all out there to win. I’m obsessed with having it all and balancing it all. I know there’s no such thing as superwoman. But I have an entire lifetime from what I have observed to accomplish everything on my lists. If this is the only world I get to live in where I am free to make decisions and free to succeed in a task of my choosing with the help of the all mighty of course, than there’s no reason why I shouldn’t be able to have it all. I’m obsessed with having it all. Not the materialistic things but the best moments of a girl’s life. Like falling in love, walking down the aisle. Being a mother and wife. Succeeding in a career where I am recognized for my work and perhaps awarded. I am obsessed only with this. I want to win win!

August 15, 2012 Posted by | Fun, Fun Topics | | Leave a comment

#Augustwritingchallenge – Day 11 – Loyalty

I had to sit on this word. I had to really consider what it means to be loyal. I had to consider if I had been a loyal enough friend, daughter, sister, aunt, cousin, woman, and most importantly a loyal human.

When I think about all those things. I have to think about my father (not God, but my biological father). He has been so loyal to me that when I make decisions in the future I consider him. I think about him becoming old and how one day I will need to be there more. One day I will have to sacrifice like he has sacrificed for me and my brother.

I will have to look pass the things that he has done in the past because after all he was doing the best he could with what he had. He had married my mother not knowing if the marriage would work. They had taken a chance. He had struggled as a man trying to climb a blue-collar ladder with no college degree. He is still trying to climb a blue-collar ladder where new technology has labeled him uncompetitive and too old. A frustrated man he may become. But in all he volunteers at the church. He works twice as hard as any man who I have ever considered dating. He is willing to invest more than his wallet in my happiness. As annoying as a parent can often be he has loved me unconditional.  He is a great leader. At 49 he has accomplished whether he sees it or not more than some of his siblings and the younger generation.

He owns a house. He has a stable job. He had a loving marriage that didn’t end in divorce. He had a wonderful daughter who didn’t take no for an answer and made a way out of no way.

He raised a budding young woman.

While he doesn’t have as much money as his baby brothers nor did he get a college degree. He taught me the value of a husband, father, and man. He never strayed nor did he run from his responsibilities when life proved to be too much or I proved to be too much. I’m looking forward to the day where we will talk like adults. We will laugh about misunderstandings. We will trust one another more. The day when my full dedication will be to uplift my children and give well deserved care to my father. For he is so deserving. I can’t begin to explain what it means to have him in my corner now. Supporting me when my wings have become to heavy and giving me hope when I have packed mines away. He’s the most loyal man I know in my life after 23 years.

August 13, 2012 Posted by | Fun, Fun Topics | Leave a comment

#Augustwritingchallenge- Day 13- Clarity

I watched Hunger Games for the first time last night. I watched a few movies last night. I could have spent my day hiking with a fellow intern. I could have spent my day doing something I really wanted. I could have spent my day working on a writing test that might land me a job. But I didn’t. I rolled around in the bed. I heated up some left-overs. I thought about me and movements for the next two weeks. I thought about how I will pack up my room beginning next week. I thought about how I plan to be home by Sunday night. I thought about what I will need to get my car on the road. Tranmission oil needs to be changed. Tire drum needs to be fixed. I need a specific amount of money for gas. I thought about which companies I would call concerning jobs on Monday. I have thought about calling a young muslim I met to pick up that extra Qur’an she has waiting for me. This morning I thought about how I am now 23. In 7 years I will be 30. In 7 years I should be somewhere with my life. But for now I will put my  deepest needs first.

August 13, 2012 Posted by | Fun, Fun Topics | Leave a comment

#Augustwritingchallenge – Day 12 – August

I am so excited for August. I think fall may be my new favorite season. I’m preparing for the falling leaves and cool breeze. I’m preparing for the new adventure I’m about to take in life. In August I seek truth from myself and others. I’m letting some relationships go. I know longer want to hold on to them. It’s slowing me down and I’m no longer having any fun. If it’s unhealthy I will not participate. If it does not feel right I will walk away. August has awakened me.

August reminds me that there is more to life and I should be seeking the more in life. No matter where I am in a few weeks I should make the most of it and my journey. Beating through me like a drum of vibrations. August is speaking to my soul in ways no other month has spoken to me. Not even June could consume me like August has already comforted me. For four years I have done what I had to do to accomplish a task. The task has been accomplished. Now this August I can do whatever I want. I can be wherever I want. This August I can push the limits. I can sit still and not move. I can surrender to comfort or I can throw myself back out into the world of unknown. This August 2012 I have a choice of where I could be. This August I can choose any place. I can start a new career. I can settle into position and let life take me. What will I choose?

To Move forward and not look back. To move forward with a new sense of freedom. To not be afraid to fail. To not be afraid to lose.

August 13, 2012 Posted by | Fun, Fun Topics | | Leave a comment